Monday, November 29, 2004



A true friend is a gift of GOD and he only
who made hearts can unite them.--South

Friday, November 26, 2004

Oxford Latest Deafinitions...

The Oxford Dictionary's latest definition of the following words :

DIVORCE : Future tense of marriage

CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with a fire at one
end and a fool on the other.

LECTURE: An art of transferring information for the notes of
the lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power
is defeated by feminine water power.

DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

CLASSIC: A book, which people praise, but do not read.

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. My Filipino
uncle's name too...

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.

YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
A Filipino word meaning "that's it" in English

ETC.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together. A Filipino word with
multiple meanings, it can be sweet potato, or it itches...or a
slang for a dumb person.

EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.

ATOM BOMB: An invention to end all inventions.

PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip.

OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from the Eiffel Tower says
in midway, "See, I'm not injured yet."

MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Also a "CAt"

FATHER: A banker provided by nature.

CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the rest ... except that he got

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you
are early. A person who is synonymous to a diaper.

One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills and and then kills you
with his bills.

This is not derived from erap's dyoksyunari..

Thanksgiving Prayer

A 4-year-old boy was asked to pray before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Thursday, November 25, 2004

A prayer of the husband:

Let us begin by reading this :
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.

"Dear Joseph, chaste spouse of Mary and heir
to the royal line of David, Patron of the Universal
Church, I address you today under your title of
Terror of Demons. One look from your calm gaze
strikes fear into any evil with designs upon my
life and my family. In order to imitate you in your
protection and provision for Mary and Jesus, I
ask you to adopt me, too, as you adopted Jesus.
Yes, bring me under your roof and share with me
your kingly confidence. See that my heart is good,
despite my sins, as your heart is good. In all things,
and in every thing, and in everything beyond every
thing, and as a man before another man, I ask for
your friendship and guidance for my intention.
Ask the Holy Trinity to grant my miracle, using
whatever supernatural and human means are
required. Make my virtue and holiness so like
yours that when women see me, they see you.
Let women feel you, hear you, and pray with you
when they feel, hear, and pray with me. Teach me,
as you taught Jesus, to learn that I must die to
every impurity, every selfish desire, and every
act of self-indulgence that harms the women
in my life. Let me die, and let Joseph live! Let
your powerful Heart of David triumph in my
life as husband and father beyond my wildest
dreams. Not only do I say Yes with you, I so so
with the full confidence of a man who has
been baptized into your holy family. Do not
delay. Now is the time for action. You, Joseph,
surely taught your son to pray the Our Father,
so with you, I pray to the Almighty Father: THY
will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Amen."

A prayer of a wife…...

Let us begin by reading this... in the name
of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...

"O Sweet Lady Saint Mary, you taught us how
to be a perfect woman and gave a broken world
the miracle of Jesus not by grasping for worldly
success, but instead, by offering your unconditional
"Yes" to Saint Gabriel and trusting in God's plan,
even though you did not foresee the suffering this
would bring you at the Crucifixion, or understand
how it could be. You did not even know that Joseph
was being prepared to be your husband. Your fiat
changed the world, right up to this very moment,
as I sit at my computer screen, or read this prayer
on a printed page. Woman to woman, I ask for your
Divine Spouse, the Holy Spirit, to plant the seed of
trust in my heart, despite all my fears of being hurt
and exposing myself to the cruelties or ignorance
of imperfect men. You completely trusted an imperfect
man, a husband born to Original Sin, Saint Joseph,
and today I ask you to go to Joseph, and ask him
to bring my intention, my miracle, before your
Son, and to begin granting it on this perfect day.
With you, with trembling heart, I echo throughout
time and eternity your perfect fiat: Let it be done
unto me according to thy word. Amen


There are a lot of these but some are "laugh out loud" ones.
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

"The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choirwill sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the churchhall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the parkacross from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First PresbyterianChurch, Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

God won't ask...

I think this is really one of the best things I have read. God won't ask what kind of car you drove, but He'll ask how many peopleyou drove who didn't have transportation. God won't ask the square footage of your house, but He'll ask how manypeople you welcomed into your home. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, but He'll ask howmany you helped to clothe. God won't ask what your highest salary was, but He'll ask if youcompromised your character to obtain it. God won't ask what your job title was, but He'll ask if you performed yourjob to the best of our ability. God won't ask how many friends you had, but He'll ask how many people towhom you were a friend. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, but He'll ask how youtreated your neighbors. God won't ask about the color of your skin, but He'll ask about the content of your character. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation, but He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

God won't ask how many people you can share this to, but He'll learn if you were ashamed to share it on to your friends.

This I say to you, for even you only have faith as big as a grain of mustard seed, you can move mountains; and nothing will be impossible to you. Mathew 17:20

Appreciate a Friend

One day a father of a very wealthy family took
his son on a trip to the country with the firm
purpose of showing his son how poor people
live. They spent a couple of days and nights
on the farm of what would be considered a
very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father
asked his son, "How was the trip?"
" It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the
father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from
the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered: "I saw that we have
one dog, and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle
of our garden, and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden,
and they have the stars at night. Our
patio reaches to the front yard, and they
have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on,
and they have fields that go beyond our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect
us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for
showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?
Makes you wonder what would happen if
we all gave thanks for everything we
have instead of worrying about what
we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have,
especially your friends!

"Life is too short and friends are
too few."

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

It's Dyok Taym.....

Sa mga kapuwa Pinoy na akala puro seryoso ang tema ko....
Magtawanan naman tayo......


Mother: Diba sabi ko kung hawakan ka ng BF mo sa
dede,say “DON'T!", tapos kung hawakan ka sa pepe, say "STOP!"
---eh anong nangyari?

Daughter: Kasi sabay po niyang hinawakan kaya sabi
ko,"Don't stop!"

Anak: Mommy, ang ganda ng bracelet mo. Bigay ba ni
Daddy 'yan?

Mommy: Ay naku anak, kung sa Daddy mo lang ako aasa, baka pati ikaw wala sa mundong ito.

Amo: Inday, bakit lumalaki ang tiyan mo?
Inday: CANCER 'to Ma'am.
Amo: Aba, halika na sa ospital at ipaopera natin.
Inday: Huwag po Ma'am, kay SIR man ito eh.

Girl: Love, what's your valentines gift to me?
Girl: How sweet naman, you want it to be a surprise.
Boy: Hindi! Secret, para sa kilikili mo!

Matrona: Sa palagay mo Love, ilan taon na ako?
Lover: Kung titignan sa buhok-18. Kung nakatalikod
21. Kung titignan sa kutis-25. Bali 64 ang total.

Pinoy Marriage - Man's life cycle...
3 to 8 years old - Paramihan ng toys.
9 to 14 years old - Pataasan ng grades.
15 to 25 - Padamihan ng siyota.
26 to 30 - Pagandahan ng asawa.

30 to 45 - Palakihan ng income.

46 to 55 - Padamihan ng kabit.

Two married men talking...

1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.

Theme song of married couples...

1 to 10 years - Araw-araw gabi-gabi

11 to 25 years - Saan ka man naroroon

26 to 49 years - Gaano kadalas ang Minsan

50 years and up - Maalaala mo kaya

Wife: Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife: Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife: Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

Ano sa Tagalog ang asawa? ("May bahay")

Ano naman ang kabit? ("May condo")

Doc: "Ano’ng trabaho mo,iha?"
Girl: "Substitute po."
Doc: "Di kaya prostitute?"
Girl: "Doc,Mommy ko ang prostitute. Kung hindi siya
puwede, ako ang pumapalit!"

In an obstetricians clinic:
Doc: "Hubad na, iha. Huwag kang mag-alala... I won't
take advantage of you!"

Girl: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty at bra ko?"Doc: "Diyan lang sa may tabi ng brief ko."

Sa seminario:
Madre: "Father, pagsabihan mo naman yung mga
seminarista. Umiihi sila sa pader!"

Father: "Sister naman. Maliit na bagay, huwag mo nang

Madre: "Naku, Father, malalaki po!"

Dalawang madre ang kinidnap ng dalawang lalaki at sila'y hinalay.
Madre #1: "Ama, patawarin mo po siya at hindi niya
alam ang kanyang ginagawa."

Madre #2: "Sister, yung sa akin, marunong!"

At their honeymoon:
60-yr old Pastor to his young bride: "Honey, before
we do it, let's first pray for guidance."

Young bride: "Darling, just pray for endurance, I'll
take care of the guidance!"

At Bill Gate's wife's first press conference:
Reporter: "How does it feel to have sex with the
world's richest man?"

BG's Wife: "No big deal...The world know's why he named his company Microsoft!"