Saturday, April 30, 2005

Laff In...

The Twenty and the OneA well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Path to Eternal Life

The Path to Eternal Life
Oh Divine Master,Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love,
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it is in dying that we are bornTo eternal life.

- St. Francis of Assisi

He said sooo!

Because I Said So!
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Having fun yet?

Poor AttendancePreacher:
"How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris?"
Morris: "There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend."
Preacher: "Don't worry, Morris; there's always room for one more."

Let's Laugh a Little

The Best Way to Pray
A monsignor, a pastor and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the Monsignor said. "No," said the pastor. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.""You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Thursday, April 14, 2005

A Prayer of the Husband

A prayer of the husband:

Let us begin by reading this :
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen.
"Dear Joseph, chaste spouse of Mary and heir to the royal line of David, Patron of the Universal Church, I address you today under your title of Terror of Demons. One look from your calm gaze strikes fear into any evil with designs upon my life and my family. In order to imitate you in your protection and provision for Mary and Jesus, I ask you to adopt me, too, as you adopted Jesus. Yes, bring me under your roof and share with me your kingly confidence. See that my heart is good,despite my sins, as your heart is good. In all things,and in every thing, and in everything beyond everything, and as a man before another man, I ask for your friendship and guidance for my intention. Ask the Holy Trinity to grant my miracle, using whatever supernatural and human means are required. Make my virtue and holiness so like yours that when women see me, they see you.Let women feel you, hear you, and pray with you when they feel, hear, and pray with me. Teach me, as you taught Jesus, to learn that I must die to every impurity, every selfish desire, and every act of self-indulgence that harms the women in my life. Let me die, and let Joseph live! Let your powerful Heart of David triumph in my life as husband and father beyond my wildest dreams. Not only do I say Yes with you, I so so with the full confidence of a man who has been baptized into your holy family. Do not delay. Now is the time for action. You, Joseph, surely taught your son to pray the Our Father, so with you, I pray to the Almighty Father: THY will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Amen."

A Prayer of a Wife

A prayer of a wife…..

Let us begin by reading this... in the nameof the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit..."O Sweet Lady Saint Mary, you taught us how to be a perfect woman and gave a broken world the miracle of Jesus not by grasping for worldly success, but instead, by offering your unconditional "Yes" to Saint Gabriel and trusting in God's plan, even though you did not foresee the suffering this would bring you at the Crucifixion, or understand how it could be. You did not even know that Joseph was being prepared to be your husband. Your fiat changed the world, right up to this very moment, as I sit at my computer screen, or read this prayer on a printed page. Woman to woman, I ask for yourDivine Spouse, the Holy Spirit, to plant the seed of trust in my heart, despite all my fears of being hurt and exposing myself to the cruelties or ignorance of imperfect men. You completely trusted an imperfect man, a husband born to Original Sin, Saint Joseph,and today I ask you to go to Joseph, and ask him to bring my intention, my miracle, before your Son, and to begin granting it on this perfect day. With you, with trembling heart, I echo throughout time and eternity your perfect fiat: Let it be done unto me according to thy word. Amen